Week in Review — 5/13 - 5/19
On Monday, Bronny James tested at the combine and put in the type of performance that had about 85 other players wondering why they weren’t also being incessantly mentioned by every attention-starved news outlet. I’m not trying to rain on the young man’s parade, but it’s clear that were it not for who his father is, we wouldn’t have to suffer being force-fed the idea that he is good enough to make it as a professional—what I like to call the Austin Rivers corollary.
On Tuesday, the WNBA kicked off its 28th season with four games, including the much-anticipated debut of rookie Caitlin Clark, as her Indiana Fever faced off against the Connecticut Sun. The debut was a bit rocky, with Clark scoring an impressive 20 points, but also continuing her Steph Curry cosplay by peppering the ball all over the court on her way to a debut-record 10 turnovers. Meanwhile, Diana Taurasi continued to kick Father Time in the groin with an extremely impressive 23-point performance in a close loss to the Aces. Taurasi, who is 42 this season—meaning she is now the answer to everything—didn’t quite revel in Clark’s struggles, but rather than answer questions about the rookie’s debut, simply provided the clip below on repeat. Also, DeWanna Bonner passed her ex-wife Candice Dupree to take over fifth on the WNBA’s all-time scoring list… talk about winning the breakup. My ex-wife was pissed just for taking the air fryer, I can only imagine how Dupree feels.
On Wednesday, the Boston Celtics put the Cavaliers mercifully out of their misery, as Cleveland was sent packing in five games. Before the Cavs could even board their charter plane home they decided to get an early jump on their offseason drama as a series of reports came cascading down, basically blaming everyone but Moondog for why the team underachieved this season. Adding to the drama—because that’s what he does best—LeBron James’ attendance at a Cavs playoff game clearly was an indication of him hoping to poach Donovan Mitchell. If I’m Mitchell, who clearly is dying to play in a major market, the chance to go to LA is definitely intriguing, as it would be his first opportunity to really elevate his brand and finally know what it’s like to be scapegoated for his team’s early playoff exits on a national stage. You think having a bus in Cleveland backed up over you is something, wait until LeBron is behind the wheel.
On Thursday, Harrison Butker unfortunately invaded my feed once again, seen here on his way to a development meeting for Stepford Wives 2. Typically, I’m not one to shame another person for their appearance, but since I hold no regard for this piece of shit I’ll gladly attack this asshat, whose resentment for women I can only assume stems from his mother forcing him to stop being breastfed when he hit puberty.
On Friday, the Pacers managed a huge game six victory in a matchup in which Josh Hart’s superhuman efforts seemed to finally catch up to him, as New York’s other ironman suffered an abdominal injury early in the contest that forced him to miss the rest of the game. Honestly, I’m just glad that Hart was finally able to get some rest, as the type of workload he’s been responsible for is usually relegated to people assembling Apple products. The Knicks, who at this point have more talent in street clothes than most teams field in a game, now face the daunting task of trying to win a game seven with a group that is basically being held together by duct tape and bubble gum. Perhaps they can see if any of the impressive number of former Knicks that have shown their support could come out of retirement and help. Though, I would not recommend Latrell Sprewell, as I’m not sure how he can handle dealing with a coach that has no neck.
On Saturday, the Mavs got a huge win as they outlasted the Thunder in a contest that was decided by the slimmest of margins. The game, which featured some of the worst officiating this side of Dick Bavetta, had more flopping than Marvel Cinemas last calendar year. I am genuinely happy for Kyrie though, who continues a Vegeta-like redemption arc. Irving, who is clearly beloved by the Dallas faithful, has really made headway into becoming a nationally appreciated persona again. And as long as he avoids topics like war, politics, pandemics, history, racism, and geometric shapes, he should continue to further endear himself to the public at large.
On Sunday, the Pacers surprised many with a big game seven victory in the Garden as the MASH unit Knicks just had no more bullets or bodies left. I feel bad for Knicks fans, as a team filled with heart and grit was ground down by a slew of injuries that left them without a viable squad to put on the floor—what I like to call the Thibs corollary. And don’t come after me Knicks fans, I know y’all are hurting, and I’m not trying to rub salt in your wounds. Just know that all us Bulls fans are here for you when you finally turn on him about midway through next season when your starting lineup is Taj Gibson and a bunch of dudes you thought were retired six seasons ago. We have a support group whose logo is just a silhouette of D-Rose writhing on the ground in pain—it meets every April 28th. Also, if anyone has seen Michael Porter Jr., please let him know that his teammates are worried about his whereabouts; he’s missing for two weeks now
It seemed like a lot of you had a rough time last week, so I hope some humor can provide a little comfort, distraction, or in the case of Knicks fans, an opportunity to turn your pain upon me.
Seriously though, it’s all love.