Week in Review — 5/20 - 5/26
On Monday, TNT announced that they were adding Draymond Green to their NBA broadcast for the remainder of the postseason. It was a move that further proves how little fucks platforms actually give about what their viewers want—that and season five of Arrested Development, Rebel Moon parts 1 & 2, and the last seven years of Grey’s Anatomy. Seriously, how in the holy hell is that show still on? I will say, were it a marketing ploy by TNT, it worked wonderfully, as the news coincided with the network becoming the newest entrant in the Guinness Book of World Records, with the announcement responsible for the largest collective eye roll in human history.
On Tuesday, the Indiana Pacers managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a game where they performed admirably the entire contest, only to shit the bed—and apparently their own shorts—at the very end. In related news, M. Night Shyamalan somehow has a new movie.
On Wednesday, the Mavs pulled off a huge game one victory that saw Kyrie Irving go deeper in his bag than Whitney Houston before performing an HBO special. Also, the Storm beat the Fever in a game in which Jewell Lloyd put on a clinic, dropping 32 in the contest. For her part, rookie Caitlin Clark, who has been more scrutinized in the press than Meghan Markle’s melanin, had a very good game in the loss.
On Thursday, J.B. Bickerstaff, who somehow managed to succeed downwards, was let go by the Cavaliers after four seasons. When Bickerstaff took over as the coach in Cleveland, he inherited a woeful group that was left reeling following the departure of LeBron James, who left for greener pastures in LA. Speaking of which, the Lakers continue their coaching search. Good luck to whomever takes the role, as that job seems about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy from Edward Scissorhands.
On Friday, Luka Dončić went full Shang Tsung and stole poor Rudy Gobert’s soul with a game-winning step-back that was so mean it should have come with a trigger warning. Before hitting the dagger three, Luka had Gobert slipping and sliding like your drunk uncle on the dance floor five hours into the wedding reception. To Gobert’s credit, he did everything he could to stay with Luka, but as soon as Rudy was forced to switch, I think we were all Jaden McDaniels, seen here giving the “you done fucked up Frenchie” face.
On Saturday, Connecticut Sun veteran forward Alyssa Thomas went full Bradshaw on Angel Reese and got ejected after administering a clothesline that slammed the Chicago Sky rookie to the ground. Reese, who now goes by “Chi Barbie,” took the whole thing in stride, though she was confused as to why Thomas yelled, “That’s for Jem, b----!” during the on-court assault. (That’s a deep cut for my fellow old heads.) Also, this comment by @justinhalvy is just *chef’s kiss* perfect.
On Sunday, the Mavericks and Timberwolves played another classic in which both teams made great play after great play. Seriously, I haven’t seen that many dudes flash their talents since I accidentally went to a Thunder from Down Under show. What? I thought I was going to see a Crocodile Dundee prequel. Also, KAT continued his David Copperfield cosplay by making himself disappear once again. It’s wild to watch KAT fritter away all the goodwill he earned by seeming to have gotten past his immature and destructive habits, only to revert back to his previously frustrating form. In related news, I would like to apologize to every woman that dated me in my 20s.
Remember, humor may be the salve to heal your wounds or the irritant to further your discomfort; it’s all a matter of how you choose to apply it.