Week in Review — 3/18 - 3/24
On Monday, that serial killer in Minnesota added another body to his rapidly growing count, as Ant Edwards sent John Collins into the shadow realm with a slam so nasty even Joe Rogan wouldn’t interview it. The dunk was executed with such ignominious violence that Collins missed the rest of the game. The Jazz forward was listed in the box score as: DNP – hurt pride.
On Tuesday, the Mavericks beat the Spurs in a Texas two-step in which Kyrie continued his great play of late. Perhaps it was the motivation from this image, which is both equal parts disturbing and sensual. Kind of like the difference between off-court and on-court Kyrie.
On Wednesday, the Jazz abuse continued on levels typically relegated to suburban elementary school music programs, as Chet Holmgren hammered home a series of monster dunks in a career-night victory over Utah. Holmgren, who came into the league about a biscuit over bony, has continued a strong rookie season that has left many wondering what the league’s in for as he continues his process of evolution from walking stick to praying mantis. Sorry, I hope entomological references don’t bug you. Okay, I’ll stop.
On Thursday, our merchant of good vibes @saramontourlewis showed such admirable growth, eschewing her three emoji policy and embracing the full splendor of emoji spamming. All I can say to that is: 🤗😍😀🤑💪🤘😏
On Friday, one of my favorite merchants of mischief, @dodgerindallas, got one of the funnier threads going when he took this photo of @truefernie and gave it a full far-right baptism. Poor Fernie, just trying to live his life and celebrate his wins and he gets caught out of nowhere by a whole mob trying to take him down. Oh shit, this was like January 6th… 😳
On Saturday, @stevenboydwallace decided to start a whole damn digital civil war with this terrible take on screen modes. But I’ll forgive anyone who finds enjoyment in doom-scrolling at a screen as bright as a bug zapper, as I’m assuming their judgment has been literally blinded. Also, to bring it full-circle, we all know “light mode” was the only option for those in attendance on Jan. 6th. So do with that as you like. 😜
On Sunday, a bunch of big matchups with playoff implications popped-off, as the Clips got beat by the 76ers in another disappointing performance by not-so-big game James, who exploded for 12 points on 38.5% shooting from the field against his former team. We can’t really fault Harden though, who shows up for big moments with the regularity of a dead-beat father. When reached for comment about his play’s absence, teammates told reporters that Harden had said at halftime that he was going to the corner store to get cigarettes. The Timberwolves also beat the Warriors, which should have surprised no one watching this Warriors group this season, as they are determined to ride mediocrity into the ground like it’s Disney releasing a new Star Wars project. The Bucks beat-up the Thunder in a game that featured diametrically opposite teams in terms of relative age. As someone quickly headed to “old head” status, I’m always glad to watch the young kids being taught a lesson, as long as it’s not being administered by anyone associated with Nickelodeon…Jesus! Speaking of old heads, the Lakers beat the Pacers in a game that featured about as much defensive resistance as my wife keeping the dogs off the bed—they are cute though, much like the idea that this Lakers team is going anywhere in the postseason. Also, it was reported that apparently 20-year-old Jalen Green has decided to go full Nick Canon on us, as he has supposedly gotten two other women besides Draya pregnant this year. No wonder this man is playing like he’s got mouths to feed, he’s apparently successfully nailing threes on and off the court.
That’s it for me tonight folks; time to go ice the knees. Remember, while it’s mostly jokes, it’s all love.