Week in Review — 6/3 - 6/9
On Monday, Stephen A. Smith continued to show why men really are the lesser sex, throwing a full temper tantrum after being challenged by Monica McNutt on his show First Take. SAS, which I can only assume stands for Some Asshole Simpleton, ranted on his podcast later in the evening, essentially taking credit for several of ESPN’s on-air female talent being given their opportunities. This feels akin to the tornadoes in Texas claiming they helped redecorate homes in Houston. Not to be outdone in the ignorance department on his own network, Pat McAfee called Caitlin Clark a “white b---h”, showing his usual eloquence in discussing the nuances of race dynamics in the WNBA. Between Kendrick Perkins, SAS, and McAfee, ESPN has really cornered the market on ignorant, bombastic men who are underqualified and overpaid for their positions. I’m currently workshopping nicknames for the trio, perhaps the Triumvirate of Dumb Shit.
On Tuesday, the new Star Wars series The Acolyte premiered, and assholes everywhere decided to chime in regarding their indignation over the race and gender of the main character. Seeing as Disney also owns ESPN, I can only assume we will be getting a cross-promotion with Smith and McAfee ironically dueling with their compensatory lightsabers. Seriously, as a Star Wars nerd myself, I always find it baffling that in a universe featuring a growling overgrown Fozzy Bear, a twittering trash can, an effete British golden rod, an asthmatic phallus, and a veritable harem of multi-colored bikini-clad characters, it’s the black woman who is the diversity bridge too far. But rather than further debase myself by continuing to respond to that garbage, let’s all laugh at my favorite thread of the week here by my boy @jevaun.
On Wednesday, A’ja Wilson unknowingly stepped into the octagon against the Dallas Wings in a brutally physical game that saw Wilson bloodied, battered, and de-contacted (yeah, I be making shit up). To her credit, despite being treated like a South Carolinian piñata (do they have Mexicans in South Carolina?), Wilson had a monster performance, logging the league’s first-ever game with at least 35 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 steals.
Also, our girl @suns_phonatics posed this question:
While my original answers were bland and uncontroversial, let’s do the nega version of this experiment and make it spicy:
Dennis Rodman: I’ve always wanted to travel with someone who is guaranteed to make me seem the most sober and civilized person in the room. Besides, we could get really squirrely and go to Pyongyang and taste local delicacies like boiled grass as we sit in the dark for 22 hours a day.
Kyrie Irving: Really, this is just for the flight, as I cannot wait to watch him staring out the window like a giddy child in anticipation of hitting some magical ice wall like it’s fucking Game of Thrones.
Ben Simmons: My man is good-looking, stylish, and worldly. I also like to relax in repose with moments of deep contemplation, and I know that he’ll have no issues sitting and doing nothing for long stretches of time.
On Thursday, after what felt like a six-month respite, the NBA Finals thankfully began, with the Celtics boat racing the Mavericks in game one. The coverage of the game began with ESPN doing its usual job of integrity, by going in-depth on the Lakers’ continued coaching search, which has apparently now shifted its focus to Connecticut coach Dan Hurley. I would warn Hurley about running headlong into the NBA experience, as I think the Lakers and he are about as volatile a pairing as his brother and a motorcycle and will likely end in just about as much NBA success (look it up, then tell me I’m going to hell).
On Friday, it was opposite day in the WNBA as a bevy of bad teams came away with victories on the night. Really, it’s just a reflection of how deep this league is, which has become more competitive than a Trump sibling trying to get daddy to love them… or just remember their name correctly.
On Saturday, the U.S. women’s Olympic team was announced, and as usual, the interweb was flooded with poised takes that justly assessed why a certain former Hawkeye had not been selected. Nah, who am I kidding? We were assailed with an onslaught of ignorance from keyboard warriors everywhere who acted like this was the most egregious omission to happen to the US Olympic team since Carter boycotted the Moscow games. Clark, who deserves a damn Nobel Peace Prize for how she’s navigated the daily deluge of dumb that has been rained down upon her, was typically nonchalant about the whole thing, which is more than can be said for her fanbase, which has become more grating than “Baby Shark” on a 24-hour loop.
On Sunday, after giving the entire state of Texas heart palpitations with the threat of not playing, Luka Doncic came out in the first half against Boston with a performance that had him deeper in his bag than Leonardo DiCaprio at Coachella (sorry y’all, that joke structure is evergreen). Unfortunately, the Mavericks eventually lost the game, as Jaylen Brown gave the Celtics a big push across the finish line—*wink*. Also, the Las Vegas Aces managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by relinquishing a big early lead in an eventual loss to the Los Angeles Sparks. In unrelated news, does anyone know how to fix a plasma television with an iPhone lodged into its screen, or am I just telling visitors this is some new form of digital art?
Remember, don’t take anything I say seriously. My wife sure doesn’t.